The Prenup Conversation: What Engaged Couples Should Talk About First

For a long time, asking for a prenuptial agreement was treated as a kind of announcement: I expect this to fail. The phrase carried the weight of a plan for the divorce, whispered by someone's lawyer or someone's parents.

That reading is fading. Family-law coverage this year puts the share of engaged millennials under 45 with a signed prenup at roughly 53 percent, up sharply from about a third in 2022. I would treat the exact figure the way I treat any survey number, as a rough size of the shift and not a precise count. The direction is hard to argue with, though, and the reasons behind it are practical rather than romantic or cynical.

Nothing here is legal advice. I am a software engineer who has read about this, not an attorney. The aim is to help you walk into the conversation prepared.

Why more couples are signing

Three explanations show up repeatedly in this coverage, and they fit what you would expect from the numbers.

People marry later. By thirty-something, many people arrive with a retirement account, a house, student loans, or a business, not just a first apartment.
More assets exist before the wedding. Property owned before marriage is a different conversation from property built together.
Marriage is increasingly talked about as a financial partnership. That is not a loss of romance. It is the recognition that two people are merging decisions about money for decades.

Put together, a prenup starts to look less like an exit plan and more like a shared document about how two particular lives will be combined.

What a prenup actually covers beyond divorce

The popular picture is a contract that divides everything on a breakup. In practice, the agreement is wider than that, and in most states it comes into play on death as well as divorce.

Which property stays separate and which becomes shared.
How debts are treated, including debt either of you brings in.
What happens to a business, an inheritance, or an expected inheritance.
Whether one partner supports the other through school or a career pause, and how that is recognized later.
How the home is handled if one of you owned it before the marriage.
What each person leaves, or does not leave, to the other.

What it generally cannot do is decide child custody or child support. Courts reserve those for the child's interests at the time. Terms that are extreme or require one person to give up basic obligations can also be struck down.

The conversation: timing, lawyers, and cost

Timing. Raise it early, and long before the wedding. Pressure close to the ceremony is one of the factors courts consider when judging whether someone signed voluntarily, and it is also just a bad way to start a conversation. Several months of runway is a comfortable target; if the wedding is soon, start anyway and say honestly that you wish you had started earlier.

Separate lawyers. Each of you should have your own attorney. One lawyer drafting for both people is a conflict of interest, and many states look at whether both sides had independent advice when they decide if an agreement is enforceable. This is not an expense to economize on.

Cost. Prices vary widely by state and by complexity. A straightforward agreement is commonly quoted in the range of a few thousand dollars per person, with complicated finances costing more. Get quotes, ask whether the fee is flat or hourly, and treat any number I give here as a starting point to check.

The first conversation is not with a lawyer. It is with each other, at a kitchen table, with the phones in another room. The checklist below is built for that.

Why women are now initiating roughly half of prenups

The coverage notes that women now start about half of these conversations. The reasons are not mysterious. Women are marrying with their own careers, savings, and properties, and are often the ones who have thought hardest about protecting them. Many have also seen, among friends and family, what an unplanned divorce does to someone who did not have a clear picture of the finances.

There is a quieter benefit as well. When the person who asks is the one with more to protect, or the one with less, the request reads as a statement about wanting clarity, not distrust. It is easier to hear "I want us to be clear" than "I am worried about you."

State-by-state enforceability basics

Rules differ by state, so this is a map, not a verdict. In general, a prenup is more likely to hold up when:

it is in writing and signed by both people;
each person disclosed their finances fairly and fully;
each signed voluntarily, with time to read and without pressure;
each had the chance to consult their own lawyer;
the terms are not wildly one-sided or unconscionable when signed (and, in some states, at enforcement).

Many states have adopted some version of the Uniform Premarital Agreement Act, and a smaller number follow newer uniform language, but states still differ on points such as spousal support waivers. Community-property states have their own considerations. Check your own state's rules with a local attorney before you rely on anything in this article.

Prenup vs. postnup if you're already married

A postnuptial agreement is the same idea signed after the wedding. People use them when finances change, for example when one partner starts a business, receives an inheritance, or takes time away from work to raise children, or simply because they never had the conversation.

The main difference is context. After marriage, spouses owe each other particular duties of good faith, and some states look more closely at whether a postnup was fair and freely agreed. Enforceability varies more than for prenups, so get independent counsel for each person here too. If you are already married and this article is making you uneasy, remember that having the conversation late is still better than never.

A discussion-starter checklist for the first conversation

Work through these before either of you contacts a lawyer. Write your answers separately first, then compare.

What you each own today. Savings, retirement accounts, property, investments, businesses, anything of sentimental value.
What you each owe. Student loans, credit cards, car loans, family loans, tax obligations.
Income and how you will pool it. One shared account, separate accounts, or a mix, and who pays for what.
The home. Whose name is on it, who put in the down payment, what happens to it if you separate or if one of you dies.
Inheritances and family money. Expected or received, and whether it stays individual.
Businesses and equity. Stock options, a side business, anything that could grow in value during the marriage.
Career changes and children. If one of you steps back from work, how is that sacrifice recognized?
Support of family. Money for parents or relatives, and what each of you expects to contribute.
Debts incurred during the marriage. Who is responsible for what, and how large a purchase needs both signatures.
What each of you is afraid of. This one is not about money in the technical sense, and it often turns out to decide the others.

If you get through items 1 to 4 and either of you feels defensive, stop and take a day. The goal is not to win each item. It is to find out whether the two of you can talk plainly about money, which is a useful skill with or without a document.

FAQ

Does asking for a prenup mean I don't trust my partner?

Not necessarily. It can mean you want clarity before emotions and circumstances get complicated. How you raise it matters more than whether you do: lead with what you want to protect and why, not with what you fear.

Can a prenup be thrown out?

Yes, in some situations. Courts can refuse to enforce agreements signed under pressure, without fair disclosure of assets, or with terms that are grossly unfair. Following your state's formal requirements and using separate lawyers reduces that risk.

What if only one of us has significant assets?

A prenup can still be useful for both people. The person with fewer assets may want protections around support, debts, or career sacrifices, and not only the person with more to protect.

Is a postnup as strong as a prenup?

Not always. Enforceability depends on your state and on how the agreement was reached. Because spouses owe each other duties of good faith, courts often look carefully at fairness, so independent legal advice for each person is especially important.